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Eli Manning Questions Reporter's "Elite" Status

Eli Manning has often been given a hard time by the media and the ESPN pundits. The question that always comes to mind when discussing the legacy of Eli Manning is whether or not he is included in that “elite” class of quarterbacks that includes Tom Brady, Drew Brees, and other high caliber Suberbowl winning quarterbacks.

Eli has asserted himself in various interviews and appearances on ESPN programs, claiming that he himself is an “elite” quarterback and that he should be included in that class with Tom Brady and other. After all, he did beat Tom Brady twice in the last 7 years to win Superbowls XLII and XLVI.

Driven to new levels of frustration by the media, Eli Manning is calling into question the “elite” status of  an unnamed reporter who recently interviewed him about his legacy as the New York Giants quarterback during his career. The reporter has requested to remain anonymous for the purpose of this article to avoid further defamation. Eli cites various instances when the reporter was interviewing him without any visible media credentials, visible stains on his shirts, and a microphone that was not working.

“The guy would come in, trip over his sound wires and fall into the locker next to mine every single time he came to interview me. I really do not think that this reporter can at all be mentioned in that ‘elite’ class of reporters and beat writers” said Manning. He continued questioning the unnamed reporter’s status:”Has this guy even written an article in the New York Times? Or Sports Illustrated? Who even is this guy? Well he does not seem ‘elite’ to me.” He also “smelled bad.”

The frustration in Eli’s voice was apparent, and it seems that he really is tired of answering the “elite” question regarding his legacy. Since his attack of this reporter, Eli has requested to all media officials that if he is asked anything by any reporter, that it “better be about something good.”

Seattle Seahawks to Introduce 13th Man

Seattle is known as one of that toughest places to play in the entire NFL. Between the weather, the field conditions, and the deafening roar of the crowd, wins for the road team do not occur frequently at CenturyLink Field.

The crowd and the noise they make for their team plays such a significant role in the Seahawks' season that it has been given the name the "12th man" symbolizing the 12th active player on the field for the Seahawks. Before each game there is a ceremony in which someone, usually a celebrity or famous Seattle native, raises up a flag with the number 12 on it to get the crowd going and create the rowdy atmosphere that is so difficult to play in.

In an effort to enhance the team's already strong support from fans, the Seahawks will be introducing the 13th man at the beginning of the 2014-2015 season. James Powell, the Seattle native selected to be the 13th man, is a fisherman who mainly specializes in pacific cod and salmon and who owns a fish market a few blocks away from CenturyLink Field on South Weller Street.

The organization is expecting that James' appearance after every raising of the flag will make the crowd go double as crazy despite not really knowing who he is. "These people seem to get overly excited when shown anything related to the Seattle Seahawks, so having James in a Marshawn Lynch jersey  jumping around on the flag platform after it's been raised should really make them freak out" said Team President Peter McLoughlin. It is rumored that Pearl Jam will play for the duration of each appearance by James Powell to make the crowd "reach levels of insanity that exceed any riot that has taken place in American society."

The organization is in talks to introduce a 14th man for the 2018-2019 season, but they first want to see how the crowd responds to James for these next couple of season. The 14th man however, will wear a Richard Sherman jersey and will jump around on the platform at halftime, rather than at the beginning of the game. The team has not released what Seattle band will play for the  duration of the 14th man's appearance.

Colin Kaepernick Forced to Retire Due to Oversized Biceps

The San Francisco 49ers will be getting a brand new stadium to play in for the 2014-2015 season, but they will also be losing their franchise quarterback to an extremely unusual medical issue. Colin Kaepernick is dealing with excessively oversized biceps and will be forced to retire due to the constant exponential growth in the muscle tissue in his biceps.

After meeting with Dr. James Andrews for a series of consultations Kaepernick has decided that he has no choice but to end his career early. “It’s to the point where I can’t even touch my face because the muscle is so big” Kaepernick said in his press conference as he demonstrated the physical issue.

Dr. Andrews weighed in on Kaepernick’s medical situation: “There is severe structural damage to the bicep tendon, and the muscle just seems to be growing constantly without any restrictions. If he were to continue throwing, the bicep muscles could rupture completely, leaving Colin with giant holes in his arms with chronic pain and weakness for years to come.”

Kaepernick’s touchdown celebration involves flexing and kissing his biceps aggressively upon scoring. When asked if he thinks his touchdown celebration could be contributing to the growth of the biceps, Kaepernick responded “I do not think that anything I have done in my career has made me responsible for this and feel awful to have to walk away from the game I love and the teammates that have helped me grow.”

Kaepernick was coming off of another strong season with 8 passing touchdowns, 4 rushing touchdowns, and 524 rushing yards. Team physicians had been monitoring his bicep growth throughout his whole career, but it was not believed to be a problem until recently. Kaepernick admitted that at some points throughout the last few seasons his biceps were so swollen that he felt his accuracy was impaired.

There is no timetable for the reduction in size for Kaepernick’s biceps, but there are some procedures that can be done to temporarily stop the swelling. Dr. Andrews has not ruled out that his touchdown celebration has accelerated the growth, but he cannot be sure until the procedures are performed.

Roger Goodell To Ban Forward Pass

Roger Goodell held a press conference today where he announced a ban on the forward pass in the NFL beginning in the regular 2014-2015 season. Goodell cited concussions and other brain injuries as the reasoning behind the ban, claiming that many of the concussions we see are a direct result of a defenseless player catching a forward pass. 

“Our goal is changing the culture in a way that reduces the injury risk to the maximum possible extent, especially the risk of head injury, while ensuring that fans and viewers are asleep by halftime” he said. “We want players to enjoy long and prosperous careers and healthy lives off the field. So we focus relentlessly on player health and safety, while also keeping the game boring and predictable.”

Goodell addressed the fact that this ban essentially changes professional football, regressing the game to its pre-20^th century roots. He then said that he simply does not care about this regression, and that he is tired of the lawsuits so he “had to do something.”

“I’m sure some of you have asked yourselves the same tough questions others ask: When there is risk associated with playing tackle football, why do people continue to play?” Goodell said. “And for parents, should I let my kids play tackle football? The simple answer is I do not know why people continue to play and no, no you should not let your kids play tackle football”

Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson expressed his concern, telling the media that he is not sure he has a job anymore, and feels a little lost after the rule change.

There have been various efforts made by the NFL such as moving the kickoff forward 10 yards, and assessing penalties for running backs lowering their helmets before contact. This will be viewed by many as one of the more groundbreaking rule changes in recent years and Goodell expects some backlash. He added at the end of his press conference that anyone who does not like the rule change can “suck it” because “now the lawyers will shut up.”