Colin Kaepernick Forced to Retire Due to Oversized Biceps

The San Francisco 49ers will be getting a brand new stadium to play in for the 2014-2015 season, but they will also be losing their franchise quarterback to an extremely unusual medical issue. Colin Kaepernick is dealing with excessively oversized biceps and will be forced to retire due to the constant exponential growth in the muscle tissue in his biceps.

After meeting with Dr. James Andrews for a series of consultations Kaepernick has decided that he has no choice but to end his career early. “It’s to the point where I can’t even touch my face because the muscle is so big” Kaepernick said in his press conference as he demonstrated the physical issue.

Dr. Andrews weighed in on Kaepernick’s medical situation: “There is severe structural damage to the bicep tendon, and the muscle just seems to be growing constantly without any restrictions. If he were to continue throwing, the bicep muscles could rupture completely, leaving Colin with giant holes in his arms with chronic pain and weakness for years to come.”

Kaepernick’s touchdown celebration involves flexing and kissing his biceps aggressively upon scoring. When asked if he thinks his touchdown celebration could be contributing to the growth of the biceps, Kaepernick responded “I do not think that anything I have done in my career has made me responsible for this and feel awful to have to walk away from the game I love and the teammates that have helped me grow.”

Kaepernick was coming off of another strong season with 8 passing touchdowns, 4 rushing touchdowns, and 524 rushing yards. Team physicians had been monitoring his bicep growth throughout his whole career, but it was not believed to be a problem until recently. Kaepernick admitted that at some points throughout the last few seasons his biceps were so swollen that he felt his accuracy was impaired.

There is no timetable for the reduction in size for Kaepernick’s biceps, but there are some procedures that can be done to temporarily stop the swelling. Dr. Andrews has not ruled out that his touchdown celebration has accelerated the growth, but he cannot be sure until the procedures are performed.